Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

Assume the best

Posted on by
Reply

You get to work and read an email from a coworker:

Christi – the side door was left unlocked between 2 and 3 pm again. Have you thought of creating a checklist that will help you remember?

Jane

You think:

  • What a jerk
  • Thanks for the helpful suggestion. I’ll try it!
  • She seems to have good ideas, so maybe she can help me figure out what to do

Your answer to this question says a lot about what you believe to be true about people. If you sometimes think the worst of people, you can change and more often give people the benefit of the doubt. Try these tips:

Slow things down. A frenetic pace can promote reactivity and impatience. Take a moment to stop, think and choose your behavior.

Train yourself to think from others’ point of view. Remember that people bring a diversity of culture, learning and experience to every life situation. Practice thinking, “I wonder why she feels that way” and respond based upon genuine curiosity. Learn why they take the actions they take. Ask about what you don’t understand.

Give yourself cues. Display a picture or quote that reminds you of people’s positive qualities. Light a scented candle or play relaxing music to set a laid-back tone.

Treat yourself with respect. People who are critical of others are often their own worst critic. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and it will be easier to lighten up with others as well.

Remember that giving others a break is really doing you a favor. When you assume the best, you experience less stress. It doesn’t mean you won’t confront truly inappropriate behavior. You just don’t assume that every possible slight is real or intentional. By choosing your battles, you have more productive energy for addressing the issues that matter most.

People are fallible and everyone makes mistakes. You might assume that some of these mistakes are directed at you. In reality, most often, the behavior is a result of ignorance or a different frame of reference. Or, said less kindly in the phrase known as Hanlon’s Razor, “Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.”

 

 

Need to make a commitment to assume positive intent? Contact Humanergy.

Photo from istockphoto.

 

 


Are you a bully boss?

Posted on by
1

I saw these words on a t-shirt yesterday:

Humankind. Be both.

Full of warm feelings about the human family, this morning I read a Washington Post blog titled, Do jerks make better leaders? Geoffrey Nunberg concludes that jerky CEOs (he calls them A-holes) get more airtime from the media and attention in popular culture. “Every age seizes on one social miscreant to personify its deepest social anxieties,” and for the moment, it’s the bully boss.

New leaders can confuse the need for clear expectations or accountability with the need to be a jerk. I hope that everyone who reads Mr. Nunberg’s post will focus less on the Donald-Trump-like antics and more on these last two lines:

“True, every once in a while an A-word aspirant manages to percolate to the executive dining room on the strength of audacity alone. But the majority wind up seven job changes later, still in the company cafeteria, eating lunch alone.”

Bill Taylor sums up the importance of kindness (versus being smart) on Harvard Business Review’s blog:

“So by all means, encourage your people to embrace technology, get great at business analytics, and otherwise ramp up the efficiency of everything they do. But just make sure all their efficiency doesn’t come at the expense of their humanity. Small gestures can send big signals about who we are, what we care about, and why people should want to affiliate with us. It’s harder (and more important) to be kind than clever.”

Go forth and be an intelligent, demanding and nice leader!

 

Want to find better balance between kindness and accountability? Contact Humanergy

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng


Nobody will tell you that you are unapproachable

Posted on by
1

Intimidating, standoffish, mean and aloof. These are not words you want people to use when they describe you. The sad reality is that people who create this perception in others are often not aware of it.

Think about it. Would you approach a snarly coworker to have a conversation about how she is perceived? Not unless you’re forced to do so.

Even if you pick up on clues along the way that people have problems with you, it’s easier to blame them. Or too much work. Or your boss. Or anything other than your own behavior.

Some people embrace their crusty, bad-humored demeanor. They falsely assume that this will help them gain respect. In fact, all it does is ensure that people won’t ask them questions, seek their input or give much credence to their opinions.

Want to find out if people think you’re unapproachable? Put on your most inviting smile, use a soothing voice, and ask a candid coworker (or two). Listen and don’t react. Above all, don’t get defensive. Just say “thanks” and get to work on a plan to change both your thinking and behavior. (This is one situation where a coach is extremely beneficial.)

“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly” (Jim Rohn).

 

 

 

 


Empathy: Not just for the touchy-feely

Posted on by
1

I worked for a boss once who was profoundly uncomfortable with feelings. He was a likeable guy who preferred to keep his distance when things got personal or emotional. It wasn’t unusual for him to miss meetings where contentious issues were going to be discussed.

My boss’ lack of empathy allowed him to deal with the facts at hand, without the complication of wading into various perspectives or attitudes. What he lost, however, was the ability to maximize our emotional intelligence, an important factor in team success.

Empathy was defined by Daniel Goleman in the HBR article, What Makes a Leader, as “the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people” and “skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions.”

If you’re thinking that empathy is an unnecessary distraction, consider its benefits to leaders:

Empathy gives you insight. You will gain a richer understanding of your organization’s people, competitors and customers – and therefore make better decisions.

Empathy enhances influence. You will not be able to sway your peers or boss without understanding their perspectives and attitudes. Your attempts at persuasion will fall on deaf ears if you do not connect with what is important to them.

Empathy helps you leverage diversity. Your team is composed of people with skills, experiences and cultural backgrounds that are different from yours. Asking genuine questions and not making assumptions will help you not only “get them” as people, it will also allow you to tap into their interests and utilize their unique abilities.

How to enhance empathy?

Start with humility. You haven’t got it all figured out. Recognize that you need all of your people’s capabilities – tangible and intangible – to succeed.

Be curious. Listen more and talk less. Ask questions about what people are thinking and feeling. Don’t assume you already know.

Ask for feedback and input, and really mean it. Use the ideas and innovations that your team shares. This will encourage people to share more over time.

Empathy isn’t a magic bullet, as noted by Steve Tobak in a recent post. It is an important tool for your leadership toolbox that should be regularly used.

“If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it” (Atticus Finch, a fictitious character in the book, To Kill a Mockingbird).

 

To find out more about how you can beef up your empathy, contact Humanergy.

Photo from istockphoto


Don’t worry, be happy

Posted on by
2

I used to be a prolific worrier. Until my mid-thirties, my worries ranged from anxiety about my unreliable car to whether the world was going to implode. As with many people, middle-of-the-night worrying interrupted my sleep, when a cornucopia of real or perceived threats kept me tossing and turning.

Worrying is a tough habit to break, and it’s worth the effort. Why?

Chronic worrying is bad for your health. According to WebMD: Chronic worrying affects your daily life so much that it interferes with your appetite, lifestyle habits, relationships, sleep, and job performance.

It is easy to confuse worrying with problem solving. Worrying doesn’t actually solve anything, and the more time you spend worrying, the more problems (real or imagined) you’ll find. No solutions, just a host of problems that will probably never come to pass.

There is no easy solution for us worry warts, however, there are strategies that can help create a more carefree existence:

Figure out what you worry about. You might need to dig to find the source of “free-floating anxiety.” If you worry most about relationships, for example, you can take steps to improve them. If you worry about everything, you might need some help for generalized anxiety disorder.

Schedule worrying. The Mayo Clinic suggests setting aside a time for worrying. (They suggest this to caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients, but I think it applies to anyone.) Mayo Clinic blogger Angela Lunde suggests, “When worry or other draining emotion begins to consume your thoughts, acknowledge it and then commit that you will give it your full attention during “worry time”. Until then, give yourself permission to put it out of your mind.”

Create a memory jogger. If you really want to break the worrying habit, do something that reminds you that you’re taking a new approach to your troubles. Wear your watch on the other arm, or set your mobile phone alarm to remind yourself periodically to check and reset your thinking.

Replace your worries with new thinking. How did I break the worrying habit? I decided to stop worrying about things outside of my control, and replace those negative internal messages with positive ones. Whenever I found myself worrying about layoffs at work, I would change my thought to, “I will continue to do my best, and ultimately this will all work out.”

Talk and write. Putting your worries into words in and of itself can make you feel better. This can also help you figure out if your problems are real or inflated. Talk with a trusted friend or confidant, and let this person know how they can help (like listen, ask questions or give advice). Writing about your worries allows you to clarify your thoughts and feelings, and gives you a great record of what’s bugging you when and why.

Use worrying to your advantage. A mild amount of disquiet can be motivational. If you’re feeling a little anxious about something at work, use that energy to fuel disciplined action and boost execution.

Sometimes we are dealt a hand that is extremely hard to handle. When this happens, worrying is natural. A brief period of anxiety should be immediately followed by creating a plan and making it happen. “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere” (author unknown).

 


In times of scarcity, give more

Posted on by
1

Adopting an abundance mentality has been a popular topic lately, purported to cure procrastination and ensure personal growth, among other benefits.

Recognizing abundance means that you view the world as full of opportunities, second chances and plenty of “stuff” to go around. People with an abundance mentality don’t ignore their own needs. They recognize that we’re all in this together, and that success depends upon care for self and others in this interconnected world.

Those with the opposite view – a scarcity mentality – believe that there are few resources and opportunities, and that if you’re lucky, you get only one shot at success. In times of scarcity, they take care of number one and act in ways to protect what they have.

An abundance mentality isn’t something you can just decide to adopt. It needs to be part of your emotional DNA and practiced regularly. Otherwise, when life hands you lemons, you will revert back to your old patterns of thinking short-term and putting your own needs first.

It’s easy to be generous in times of plenty. It often goes against the grain to give more in times of scarcity. How do you make abundance an enduring part of your world view?

Look around. When you’re tempted to indulge in a pity party, check out others’ realities. You will be far less likely to fall into self-pity and stinginess when you recognize how fortunate you are. Simple joys exist, if we stop to recognize them.

Make abundance a habit. Just like other healthy habits, an abundance mentality can be developed. Start or end each day with a quick reflection on what’s going well. You may want to pick a word, phrase or picture that sums up “abundance.” Post that prominently and make it a habit to count the many ways in which your cup runneth over. When you recognize your own abundance, make a daily choice to spread it around with generosity, kindness and positive action.

Recognize that stuff isn’t enough. A new car or promotion at work won’t give you lasting happiness. True abundance lies in relationships with others and fulfilling your life’s purpose. Don’t fall into the consumer trap of acquiring to fill the emotional gap. “Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance” (Epicurus).

Overcome fear. Scarcity creates fear. When money is tight and opportunities seem to shrink, the default reaction for us is to retrench and take care of ourselves. The way to banish fear is to choose the greater good over your own self-interest. Yes, your needs matter. They’re just not the ONLY things that matter.

Take the long view. Most setbacks are temporary. Focus not on today’s struggles, but on the future you will create. Then take satisfaction as you implement concrete steps to get there.

Pick an abundance partner. This can be someone who embodies abundance – or a person who, like you, needs a reminder that the glass is half full. Create a plan that will help you both maintain your new perspective.

An abundance mentality doesn’t ensure that you will get everything you want. It does mean that hopefulness and contentment will be in greater supply.

 


The marvel of a new day

Posted on by
Reply

How would tomorrow be different if you could see it as a new day? This would not be a regular Thursday that follows Wednesday, but an opportunity to consciously make all things unspoiled by your previous experiences.

For 24 hours, you “make all things new” in your mind. You appreciate people and your surroundings as if you had never encountered them before. Even more powerfully, you would decide to banish all types of assumptions and beliefs – about people and groups and organizations.

It is true that we cannot wander in a state of child-like wonder and “newness” all the time. Taking a day to begin again is a useful exercise with a long-term payoff.

Starting “from scratch” deepens insight and self-awareness. You recognize expectations and assumptions as they bubble to the surface throughout the day, giving you an opportunity to test their validity. You may find that you’ve amassed a collection of biases with little or no solid foundation.

To capture these insights, go “old school” and carry a notepad and jot down what you observe. Or, make notes in your iphone, if you’re so inclined. Make sure you apply what you’ve learned to make your next “regular” day better.

The icing on the cake? A new day allows you to fully experience surprise, joy and awe. Simple pleasures won’t be overlooked as you rush to do the next thing.

What epiphanies might you gain from being more present and aware tomorrow?

 

Need help to be more mindful? Contact Humanergy!

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng

 

 

 


Regrets, I’ve had a few

Posted on by
Reply

Kathryn Schulz did an amazing lecture on regret (Ted Lecture Best of 2011). She used her regret over getting a tattoo as an example, which I found amusing since to most folks, her tattoo is not spectacular in any way. She explored her intense feelings, which came in this order:

1. Denial (make it go away)

2. Bewilderment (how could I have done that?)

3. Punishment (I could kick myself)

4. Perseveration (infinite loop of above)

Ms. Schulz also explored the surprising fact that people actually feel worse when things that turned out badly almost turned out well. The project that was almost perfect, except for one tiny, fatal flaw. The job you didn’t get, though you were in the top two.

She encourages us not to hate ourselves for our regrets. We should love our flaws and the imperfect things we create. They are the lessons learned and the path to something better.

It is probably also true that we should have relatively few regrets. Holding on to any kind of bitterness just isn’t healthy or productive. Failure is one thing – you learn and you go on. Mournful regrets hang around like a bad rash.

Limiting regrets requires disciplining your mind. If you find yourself mentally re-hashing a painful moment, stop. (You may find it helpful to say the word “stop” out loud.) If there’s a lesson to be learned from the situation, jot that down. Then shove the memory in a remote mental closet and lock the door.

As Jonathan Larson said, “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” 


People who bug you have the most to teach you

Posted on by
1

A wise woman said to me recently, “My goal is to spend more time with Sue Smith (not her real name). She really drives me nuts.” I was surprised, to say the least, as my friend is not one to suffer fools gladly. Noting my astonished reaction, she said, “You know, the people who bug you have the most to teach you.”

Carl Jung said, Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. In fact, some believe that what irritates you about others is something you dislike about yourself.

That means I must be prone to see the negative in a situation and am an immensely bad listener. Definitely some opportunities for growth there!

Who bugs you, and what can learn from them?

 

Do you think you could learn something from Humanergy? contact us

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng


Banish your inner cynic

Posted on by
2

You may feel that you have plenty of reasons to be cynical. The world can be perceived as perpetually gloomy given worldwide terrorism, the collapse of our financial system and ongoing scandals. However, you don’t have the luxury of cynicism if you want to be an effective leader.

Cynics are more than skeptical. They’ve lost their faith in others, rarely trust and don’t believe that people or organizations can change. In a post called, Spirit At Work – Hope vs Cynicism, Lance Secretan says that cynics don’t “retain a sense of wonder at the marvels” inherent in everyday life. A cynic has learned “to distrust, to be wary, and to suspect the worst in people and life. Over time, this becomes a self-fulfilling philosophy.” Secretan shares this quote by H. L. Mencken: “A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

Yes, leaders must be realistic, and reality can’t be viewed through rose-colored glasses. However, a leader’s outlook must reflect the truth that most people aren’t really out to get you. Most people don’t intend to behave in a negative fashion. As Carlon Hass writes in his post called, Overcoming Cynicism and Discovering Your Heroism, “what about the times we put our faith in people and they came through? How about all the times we looked to another person for support and they were there? How often do we forget that? How often have we let cynicism blind us to that truth?”

A well-rounded view of reality means that you don’t let your radar down. You are aware that people do run the gamut between altruistic and mean, even evil. Avoiding cynicism means that you don’t assume the worst. You also are prepared to deal with whatever life brings, welcoming the good and reacting appropriately to the rest.

There is a choice to be made. Will you view your interactions with others through the lens of cynicism? Will you be a pessimistic curmudgeon or an inspiring leader?  Consider assuming, as Secretan says, that “ninety-eight percent of our human experiences will be gifts of love and good intentions.” Your leadership impact depends upon that choice.

 

Have needs that Humanergy could fill? Contact us

Photo courtesy of istockphoto