Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Forgiveness at work

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Lena’s former boss was a tyrant who bullied his direct reports and rarely expressed any appreciation for their contributions. Although she left that job years ago, Lena still feels anger whenever she thinks of how he treated her. Is this something that she should address, or is Lena just responding as any normal person might?

Forgiveness is not something we talk about much in the workplace. We may practice forgiveness of others, and we certainly hope that we are forgiven when we make mistakes. Yet teams and organizations rarely discuss the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness has often been misconstrued as condoning negative behaviors or just turning the other cheek. This couldn’t be further from the truth. You can forgive a person and at the same time set limits for future behaviors. Forgiveness doesn’t depend upon the other person apologizing or even acknowledging the behavior.  You don’t even have to speak to the person to let go of the resentment and forgive. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Lewis B. Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

How can forgiveness at work benefit you?

Forgiveness makes you healthier. According to the Mayo Clinic, forgiveness sets the stage for healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well-being, less stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain and lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse.

Forgiveness increases available energy. Nursing a grudge takes emotional and physical energy away from more productive endeavors. According to the Forgiveness Foundation, forgiveness transforms your mind. People report renewed energy and focus when they let go of bitterness and resentment.

Forgiveness unleashes joy. Because forgiveness reduces stress, people find more joy in everyday life when they are able to forgive others. When we forgive others, all of our other relationships are stronger and deeper, and we are able to weather small upsets with greater resilience.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. When you forgive, you do not forget what happened. You release the pain, anger and bitterness, and you also remember the lessons learned and don’t allow the offending behaviors to reoccur.

If the reasons above aren’t enough, consider the slightly “low road” perspective of Oscar Wilde: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” Whatever your motivation might be, take actions to create a culture of forgiveness at work. As with any culture change, start with you. Experience the joy of forgiveness and share it with others today.

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Leadership lessons from Mom

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

That MBA degree is dandy, but the lessons learned can’t hold a candle to Mom’s (or Dad’s or Gram’s) wisdom. A recent poll of Humanergists resulted in these leadership lessons from our very first role models.

I don’t care if “everyone” is doing it. Mom taught us to have courage and make decisions for ourselves. Don’t get caught up in passing trends or we’ve-always-done-that thinking.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything. Sometimes harsh truths must be spoken, but keep balance by sharing positives as well. Don’t speak in anger, when it may be harder for you to communicate the good along with the bad.

Accept a compliment graciously. Maybe it’s embarrassment or false humility, but we often stumble or say, “oh, it wasn’t that great,” when a simple “thank you” is all that is needed.

Get outside. While this phrase was most often used when Mom was sick of us underfoot, we recognize now the power of nature to boost our mood and change our perspective. Get up, walk around, go outside or do whatever it takes to change your environment. You’ll find inspiration -  or at least some respite from the usual routine.

What am I, chopped liver? Especially in adolescence, we kids acted as if our parent were alien life forms and unworthy of kindness or consideration. Remember that even the most quirky of our fellow humans deserves respect and compassion.

Do you want your face to freeze like that? Nonverbals not only matter, they communicate volumes, even when we’re not aware of them. Get some feedback about how your posture, facial expressions and mannerisms help or hurt your leadership.

Every cloud has a silver lining. No matter how distressing, every situation has potential advantages and disadvantages. Don’t ignore the cloud, but do recognize and capitalize upon the silver lining.

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. Dream big, but don’t just passively yearn for things to be different. If you want something, take a step today to make it a reality. Action is necessary to achieve.

Be home in time for dinner. There’s nothing like unstructured time with loved ones to recharge your batteries. Share a story, a joke or something that happened in your day. Listen as others to do the same. Even if it’s just take-out pizza, it will be a feast.

Mom’s most enduring lessons were not the ones she talked about.  They came by the way she lived her life – with grace in spite of our many imperfections and bravery in the face of life’s challenges. The least we can do is try to do the same. Thanks, Mom.

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To vent or not to vent

Monday, December 7th, 2009

steamMy boss is a controlling jerk. The project manager is an idiot. My assistant can’t think his way out of a paper bag.

Venting about work seems to be on the rise. Maybe it’s because we’re afraid to make waves by bringing up problems directly, for fear of losing our jobs. So we resort to releasing our frustrations via whispered complaints by the coffee machine.

Social networking has also given us new ways to vent our frustrations in cyberspace. We can whine on Facebook, Twitter or any one of the numerous sites designed for that purpose, like jobvent.com and iworkwithfools.com. (No, we’re not giving the links. We do not advocate voicing your fury in such a manner.)

Let’s just say your boss really is a jerk, and you don’t feel that you can rectify the situation. How do you manage your frustrations appropriately?

Don’t suppress your anger. Medical experts warn that internalizing your frustrations can be bad for your health, contributing to high blood pressure, digestive problems and heart attacks.

Don’t express anger frequently. Studies show that people who are angry a lot suffer from the same health problems as those who quietly seethe. If you’re often outraged by daily life, get help.

Don’t vent with coworkers. Venting does nothing to improve your situation, and regular whining labels you as a negative influence. Even if your colleague is also a trusted friend, you are much better off taking the high road. Never say anything to a coworker that you wouldn’t want repeated in public.

Talk to someone outside of work. Talk to your significant other or non-work friends. Monitor the frequency, though. Patience will run thin if you vent with no intention of taking steps to resolve the issue. Use that person as a sounding board to help you develop positive next steps and coping strategies.

Don’t vent online. We’ve said it before; once it’s out there, it’s public. Just say no to email and social networking when you’re mad.

Unless you’d like to leave your job, don’t vent to your boss’s boss. Maybe this seems obvious. But there are people out there who think that if the boss won’t listen, it’s time to move up the chain of command. Unless your boss is breaking a law or violating important company policy, think twice before going over her head.  Never, never whine to higher-ups just because you don’t like something.

You have a choice. Do you use your frustration as fuel for constructive action? Or do you vent, and just allow your anger to feed upon itself? If you have time to whine, you have time to do something to make your life better.

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I have had it! The role of anger in leadership

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

angryA recent Forbes.com article titled How Do You Control CEO Rage? seems like a sign of the times. Stress from the dire economic situation, global competition and high-speed change seems to be pervasive. And some of us just don’t react well to the pressure cooker.

The Forbes.com article certainly expressed the downside of out-and-out rage. But it also notes that some employees respond very well to anger. (We don’t know many of these people.) What is the role of anger in leadership?

Anger isn’t the enemy. Everyone gets angry. The problems start when we aren’t aware of why we’re angry, lash out without considering consequences or use anger as a tool to intimidate. How do you handle legitimate annoyance?

Be self-aware. One of our favorite articles on Emotional Intelligence is What Makes a Leader? by Daniel Goleman (Harvard Business Review). This article discusses self-awareness, which is the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions and drives, and their effect on others. What lights your fuse? Are there specific situations, personalities or stresses that are more likely to cause you to lose control? Think about your past experiences and analyze what made you so frustrated.

Self-regulate. In What Makes a Leader, Goleman talks about self-regulation, the ability to keep control and not let our feelings take the helm. Self-regulation defies the myth of the charismatic, explosive leader who rules with an iron fist. Leaders who self-regulate still feel fury; they simply choose not to act upon it.

Lead by example. Leaders who chronically explode in outrage encourage others to do the same. If you don’t want to deal with their unfettered anger (and the trail of problems it causes), hold yourself to a higher standard.

Tell people when you’re angry. When you’re irate, say so. As we tell our toddlers, “use your words.”

Apologize when you mess up. We all fall short of perfection. When you lose control and express your irritation inappropriately, don’t make excuses. (There aren’t any good ones.) Apologize to those involved and take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Will Rogers once said, “people who fly into a rage will always make a bad landing.” Using angry outbursts to get what you want is manipulative game playing. It’s also a dangerous practice that will almost always result in a crash landing.

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Meet SARA

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

42-15495677I’d like to introduce you to SARA. No, she’s not my new friend on Facebook. SARA is an acronym for:

  • Shock or Surprise
  • Anger
  • Rejection
  • Acceptance

When people receive feedback that differs from their self-perception, they very often go through SARA – a process similar to grieving.

If you’ve ever coached or supervised anyone, you probably have met SARA. If you’re a breathing, fallible human being, you probably have seen evidence of SARA in your own reaction to feedback. (Personally, I am very acquainted with SARA, having visited her many, many times.)

So, what do you do when confronted by SARA, either in yourself or in someone you’re working with?

  • Acknowledge the emotions. You can’t get past SARA until you recognize what’s really going on.
  • Understand that SARA isn’t an uncommon, weird reaction. The problem lies in hanging out with SARA too long.
  • Focus on the positive qualities of the people who gave you the (horrible and totally unfair) feedback.
  • Temporarily suspend disbelief. Even if your initial reaction is, “that is so wrong!,” ask yourself, “what if it were true?”
  • Face your “reasons” (okay, excuses) for rejecting the feedback; among my personal favorites: “They are so much worse than me.” “My job makes me do that.” “I used to do that, but I’ve changed.” “Yes, it’s all true, and I don’t care.”
  • Stay fact-based. Stewing over it by yourself is never a good idea, unless you’re a fan of ulcers. If you’re supporting someone through SARA, help re-frame perceptions into facts. If SARA’s your constant companion, find a coach to help you separate reality from fiction.

Hearing things we don’t want to hear is difficult, no doubt about it. If you’re in that situation, SARA may drop by. We’d love to hear your ideas about how to boot her to the curb when the time is right.

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