Tag Archives: assumptions

Identify your elephants

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Sheila and Sam have never gotten along well, and when they are assigned to a key project together, neither person is pleased. Minor tensions slowly grow into full-scale battle, and the rest of the team is uncertain about what to do. They encourage Sheila and Sam to “stay focused” and “try to get along.” Meanwhile, the task they are assigned is floundering.

In the midst of a conflict situation, we sometimes address only the symptoms and surface issues. The elephants in the room – emotional flash points – are ignored out of fear that they will result in a heated exchange, or worse, permanently damage the already-tenuous relationship.

Some of these potential flash points are past history, power differences, hidden agendas and fear of being blamed or humiliated. It can be hard to raise these issues in the conversation; NOT addressing them, however, can guarantee that you’ll be in conflict again very soon.

If you observe this dynamic at work, here are some tips about navigating these sensitive issues:

Bring in a facilitator. Someone who is not involved in the conflict may be in a better position to ask the right questions, ensure open communication and enforce ground rules.

Use “I” statements. Encourage both parties to speak from their own perspective and experience. Avoid making assumptions or accusing others of feeling a certain way.

Ask questions. Statements can have the effect of hardening positions. Try asking open-ended questions instead, like, “How does the previous project’s failure affect our interactions today?” or “What issues of power play a role in this conflict?”

Use neutral language. This may take some pre-planning. Think of the words that might inflame tensions, and how you can restate the same idea in more neutral terms. Avoid sarcasm, exaggerations, name-calling and offensive language.

One of the most difficult aspects of conflict resolution is recognizing when we are stuck, or that we have emotional “elephants” that keep us from seeing the situation differently. Remember the words of George Bernard Shaw when you need to stay open to self-awareness: “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.”

Need help identifying your elephants and managing conflict? Contact Humanergy.

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Can you fix people?

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We have heard it before. “You can’t change people.” Yet we persist with the idea that if we just use the right words at the right time, the other person will “get it.”

In “Leadership in the Age of Complexity: From Hero to Host” Margaret Wheatley (no relation to Humanergy’s co-founder, David Wheatley) talks about the myth of the heroic leader. One thing the heroic leader believes is that people will do what they are told, if they are given good enough instructions.

The problem here is the illusion that leaders control what they cannot, like what others do, think or feel. What you can control is your own actions.

Rather than jumping in to correct what’s wrong with their people, leaders can be a positive influence and provide support. They can:

Articulate a vision for the future

Be specific about expectations

Ask great questions

Give feedback on behaviors

Protect people from bureaucracy, politics and other distractions

Celebrate wins

When you feel the urge to jump in and fix a person, say, “I want to help. How can I best do that?”

Want to help your people navigate choppy waters? Contact Humanergy.

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Listen when you do not want to hear

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On a couple of occasions recently, I’ve been challenged to listen to feedback that I did not welcome. In one case, it was a long-term member of an organization in which I hold a volunteer leadership role. This person was upset about a number of issues, and was airing some long-held grievances.

In the second example, we got some feedback at work that something we’d done wasn’t particularly helpful. A colleague and I had to figure out how to respond, even though our first reaction was, “What could he possibly mean?!”

When an idea is hard to hear, that’s when we need to work the hardest to tune in. Yes, feedback is a gift. But if we are to be truthful, sometimes we don’t want it, or we want to “spin” it to minimize its impact and keep ourselves comfortable.

How can you respond productively when your first impulse is to dismiss it or get angry?

Just listen. Resist the urge to respond right away. Think of yourself as a sponge, absorbing the message without judgment.

Seek to understand. Again, without assessing its validity, seek to understand the issue from the other’s perspective. Ask questions with the intent of learning more and seeing the issue from another viewpoint.

See the whole picture. MindTool’s Feedback Matrix is a great tool to help you break down the feedback into what was expected/unexpected and positive/negative. While unexpected negative feedback can be difficult to process, recognize we’re all on a path of continuous improvement. So, there’s something you need to work on….that’s OK. Understand that the feedback is not an indictment of your overall performance. Keep perspective and respond appropriately.

Take a break. When you are caught off guard by feedback, sometimes it’s best to take some time before responding. Say, “Thank you for telling me. I’m trying to absorb what you’ve said. Can we get back together tomorrow?”

Consider the source. If your feedback is from someone whose intentions are not constructive, seek a second opinion from someone who can give you an unbiased evaluation. Don’t go to a friend who will match your indignation and help you feel better. You may find that the “spiteful critic’s” feedback really was a gift.

Most feedback contains at least a kernel of truth, even if you find the majority of it to be inaccurate or unfair. Make it your responsibility to find some value in the message and take action to improve.

 

Got some “ouchy” feedback and don’t know where to proceed? Contact Humanergy.

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How to kill wisdom

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Barry Schwartz studies wisdom and gave a brilliant Ted lecture on the topic that you won’t want to miss. In case you don’t have 20 minutes to watch the whole lecture now, here are the highlights.

Leaders want to encourage certain behaviors in their employees, ones they believe will advance the organization’s mission. The goal is for people to grow in wisdom – acting based on intelligence, experience and common sense. Dr. Schwartz discusses how to promote practical wisdom, which he defines as the moral will (I want to contribute) and skill (I know how to help) to do the right things.

Using the example of hospital janitors, Dr. Schwartz outlined how people use practical wisdom to make a difference. Although their job descriptions included nothing about contact with human beings, their care for and interactions with others positively impacted patient care and outcomes. The janitors:

Ignored orders in order to help people. A janitor skipped cleaning the waiting room out of respect for sleeping visitors who had been at the hospital for days.

Improvised based on the situation. Because a parent did not see him do it the first time, one janitor re-mopped a comatose patient’s room.

Used their skills to serve others, not themselves. These janitors often added to their own workload, so that patients’ and families’ needs were met.

Leaders often create rules and incentives to increase the likelihood that people will exhibit desired behaviors. Dr. Schwartz cautions that rules keep people from making well-reasoned judgments and don’t allow improvisation in the service of what is right.

Incentives seem harmless, but they shift people’s thinking from, “What is my responsibility?” to “What is in my best interest?” In effect, activities that involve incentives have been shown to reduce morale and morality.

Rather than more rules, incentives or ethics policies, Dr. Schwartz advises us to:

Celebrate moral heroes who show practical wisdom every day.

Get to know the people in your organization in order to know how to encourage moral will and skill.

Allow people the time and give them permission to do the right thing, because moral heroes are made, not born.

Think you’ve got the right amount and types of rules and incentives? Maybe it’s time for a second look. As Dr. Schwartz says, without wisdom, brilliance can get you into trouble. Watch this Ted video now.

Need help developing practical wisdom in your organization? Contact Humanergy.

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Four strategies for expecting the unexpected

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Stuff happens. You pull out of the garage on your way to work, already thinking of what you need to do once you arrive. Suddenly, WHAM! You’ve sideswiped the huge dumpster that the contractor left in the driveway in preparation for an upcoming roof replacement.

We are creatures of habit, and when we introduce an unfamiliar thing (the dumpster) in a habit-laden situation (backing out of garage), problems often happen. How can you be more prepared for unexpected occurrences in all aspects of life?

Build in time. Pretend that you have to leave home ten minutes earlier than you really do. That will give you time to breathe and focus. You’ll be more likely to see that dumpster (or child or bike) and react appropriately. Set project deadlines similarly; “finish” the product, step away for a day and then tweak it with fresh eyes. You’ll be astounded at the errors you’ll find and improvements you can make when you’re not under the gun.

Add steps to your habit. Examine your habits for shortcuts. Instead of opening the garage door, getting in the car, fastening your seat belt and backing out, add a step. Scan behind you. It may help to put a sign in your car for a couple of weeks, until that new step becomes routine.

Realize that stuff happens, even to you. As the saying goes, most people think that accidents aren’t their fault and yet take personal responsibility for their hole-in-one on the golf course. Recognize that accidents happen to everyone – and most often we bear some culpability. Taking shortcuts, losing focus or being overconfident are signs that you think it couldn’t happen to you.

Consider what might happen and act accordingly. Think through all possible outcomes, not just what you expect and for which you are prepared. You may have spent countless hours driving safely while talking on your phone. However, what if it becomes a particularly intense conversation or a deer dashes across the road? Is it worth your (and others’) safety to talk on your phone while driving?

Being prepared for the unexpected not only promotes safety. These same strategies help you become more present, nimble and resilient in the face of change. You are off autopilot and fully engaged in the present task. What better way to manage the expected and unexpected issues faced by leaders today?

 

Need help exploring your habits and making change? Contact Humanergy.

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Three steps to selling anything

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We recently had a fascinating team discussion about business development. Experts say that the vast majority of successful sales conversations involve the buyer talking more than the seller. (No wonder we are turned off by the fast-talking used car salesperson!)

Whether you’re selling a product, service or idea, the most important job of the seller is to listen. You will gain valuable insight about the buyer, but only if you are fully listening (not planning your next comment).

The next priority is asking powerful questions in order to understand the reality of the potential customer.“How is production affected when this machine breaks down?”

Finally, summarize your understanding to make sure that what you heard is really what the other person said. Do not assume that you get it. Periodically sum it up in your own words. “What I heard was you have a problem with the amount of resources this solution will require.”

One potential pitfall is asking questions in order to persuade, not to understand. Questions with an ulterior motive feel manipulative to the listener and can be a barrier in any conversation. When seeking to influence, whether you’re selling a service or an idea, ask honest and sincere questions.

Excellent tips for asking questions (stay in a state of curiosity to sort out where people are coming from) and listening (eliminate judgmental self-conversation, such as “They’re just not getting it!”) are found in Kevin Cashman’s blog on Fast Company.

You have listened, asked questions and ensured that you have mutual understanding. Now is the time to offer your solution. “The wise man puts himself last and finds himself first” (Lao Tsu).

 

Want to be a whiz at selling your big idea? Contact Humanergy.

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Assume the best

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You get to work and read an email from a coworker:

Christi – the side door was left unlocked between 2 and 3 pm again. Have you thought of creating a checklist that will help you remember?

Jane

You think:

  • What a jerk
  • Thanks for the helpful suggestion. I’ll try it!
  • She seems to have good ideas, so maybe she can help me figure out what to do

Your answer to this question says a lot about what you believe to be true about people. If you sometimes think the worst of people, you can change and more often give people the benefit of the doubt. Try these tips:

Slow things down. A frenetic pace can promote reactivity and impatience. Take a moment to stop, think and choose your behavior.

Train yourself to think from others’ point of view. Remember that people bring a diversity of culture, learning and experience to every life situation. Practice thinking, “I wonder why she feels that way” and respond based upon genuine curiosity. Learn why they take the actions they take. Ask about what you don’t understand.

Give yourself cues. Display a picture or quote that reminds you of people’s positive qualities. Light a scented candle or play relaxing music to set a laid-back tone.

Treat yourself with respect. People who are critical of others are often their own worst critic. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and it will be easier to lighten up with others as well.

Remember that giving others a break is really doing you a favor. When you assume the best, you experience less stress. It doesn’t mean you won’t confront truly inappropriate behavior. You just don’t assume that every possible slight is real or intentional. By choosing your battles, you have more productive energy for addressing the issues that matter most.

People are fallible and everyone makes mistakes. You might assume that some of these mistakes are directed at you. In reality, most often, the behavior is a result of ignorance or a different frame of reference. Or, said less kindly in the phrase known as Hanlon’s Razor, “Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.”

 

 

Need to make a commitment to assume positive intent? Contact Humanergy.

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Strategy and your brain

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It might seem that when it comes to strategic thinking, the brain is your ally. Not always. Our brains aren’t always rational, and we are unaware of the extent to which the mind takes shortcuts and makes assumptions. Charles Roxburgh writes about the brain in Hidden Flaws in Strategy (McKinsey Quarterly):

“Over the millennia of its evolution, it has developed shortcuts, simplifications, biases, and basic bad habits. Some of them may have helped early humans survive on the savannas of Africa (“if it looks like a wildebeest and everyone else is chasing it, it must be lunch”), but they create problems for us today. Equally, some of the brain’s flaws may result from education and socialization rather than nature. But whatever the root cause, the brain can be a deceptive guide for rational decision making.”

Roxburgh points out eight flaws that every leader should be aware of as they solve problems and make decisions. For example, our brains are overconfident in our own abilities. We think we can estimate far more accurately than we can, and we believe that enterprises that we’re involved in are above average. Related to this overconfidence is being overly optimistic – skewing toward the most positive projections about factors that are uncertain.

You can compensate for your overconfident brain by:

  • Testing strategies over a wider range of scenarios, and giving people a choice between an even (2, 4, 6…) number of options. If given an odd number of choices (e.g., 3), most will choose the safer middle option.
  • Mitigating the risk of getting monetary projections wrong by reducing your most optimistic estimate by 20% to 25%. If you’re estimating revenues of $5 million, reduce that “best case” figure to around $4 million.

Read the full article on McKinsey’s website (registration required), so you can plan around your flawed brain. You’ll be way ahead of your competitors who think their brain is just fine the way it is!

 

Want to be more strategic and execute well? Contact Humanergy for helpful tools that will make your brain even bigger!

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5 tips for thriving on the receiving end of change

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Most advice about change is directed at leaders, often dealing with managing employees’ reactions to change. There are far fewer books and articles written from an employee-facing-change perspective.

To roll with change in your organization, start with these tips:

1. Recognize your starting point as it relates to change. In general, do you go with the flow and adapt quickly? If yes, hurray for you! However, if change or ambiguity throw you for a loop, you need to prepare for change more carefully by attending to the following tips.

2. Be honest about your concerns and feelings. Admit (at least to yourself) if the impending change creates anxiety, fear or even anger. The only way to move past these emotions is to acknowledge them first. Take some time to examine your reaction to the upcoming change. Seek the counsel of a trusted mentor to help you formulate a plan to manage your feelings while you make the necessary adjustments.

3. Learn about the context for change. Talk with your boss about why the change is important to the organization. If you get the business case for the change – and the negative impact of not changing – you’ll find it easier to buy in.

4. Ask lots of questions, but don’t expect all the answers right away. Your leaders don’t have a fool-proof crystal ball. There will be unanticipated events, modifications and impact. Some ambiguity is to be expected.

5. Choose your behavior. You could join the vocal opposition or an underground movement for the status quo. While that may delay the change, your reputation will be damaged. If you can’t be an early adopter, strive to be at least a neutral-to-positive force for change. Above all, don’t feed the gossip mill, and confront peers whose behavior is inappropriate.

Some changes may so profoundly affect the organization or your role that staying on the job is difficult, even impossible. As with any unknown, expect the best AND prepare for the worst. As Charles R. Swindoll said, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”

 

Struggling with change? Contact Humanergy

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Tandem biking: A lesson in interdependence

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A colleague, David, bought a tandem bike recently. This has provided a new way for David and his wife Launda to exercise and tour the local area. It’s also provided a unique opportunity to explore their finely-tuned relationship (They’ve been married for 21 years and have got this whole relationship thing down…mostly.)

The AHAs started right when they got the bike. Mike at TeamActive did a great job explaining the unique challenges of tandem cycling. David and Launda listened, but also thought, “Hey, how hard could it be?” Turns out it was not a walk in the park, and they quickly figured out that they needed to consider themselves cycling newbies and be ready to learn.

In their 21 years of wedded bliss, David and Launda have worked through their fair share of communication issues. When you can finish each other’s sentences, coordinating your actions on a bike should be simple. What they learned by tandem biking is that it’s necessary to over-communicate, stop assuming and agree upon a shared language, especially when taking on a new, interconnected challenge.

The level of interdependence on the bike was a shock as well. Yes, in theory they knew that if David leaned one way, it would impact Launda and their joint stability on the tandem. In reality, even small shifts in foot or hand position can cause imbalance. Don’t even ask them about the challenges of crossing railroad tracks on a tandem. Painful memory, literally, but a valuable lesson learned about being more aware of unanticipated consequences of our actions.

Their experiences on the tandem are not that much different from what people in organizations experience, particularly after a long tenure. Try as we might, we forget how interconnected we are. We assume that people understand the things we say. We get caught up in our perspective and don’t consider the sweeping impact of our actions.

If you’ve been with your organization for a while (and maybe even if you haven’t), stop and consider what you may learn from the tandem bike experience. Are you taking your hands off the handlebars and not telling others that might be impacted? Be safe out there.

 

Please feel free to forward Humanergy’s blog to others who might find them helpful!

Photo courtesy of David and Launda Wheatley