Tag Archives: feelings

5 tips for thriving on the receiving end of change

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Most advice about change is directed at leaders, often dealing with managing employees’ reactions to change. There are far fewer books and articles written from an employee-facing-change perspective.

To roll with change in your organization, start with these tips:

1. Recognize your starting point as it relates to change. In general, do you go with the flow and adapt quickly? If yes, hurray for you! However, if change or ambiguity throw you for a loop, you need to prepare for change more carefully by attending to the following tips.

2. Be honest about your concerns and feelings. Admit (at least to yourself) if the impending change creates anxiety, fear or even anger. The only way to move past these emotions is to acknowledge them first. Take some time to examine your reaction to the upcoming change. Seek the counsel of a trusted mentor to help you formulate a plan to manage your feelings while you make the necessary adjustments.

3. Learn about the context for change. Talk with your boss about why the change is important to the organization. If you get the business case for the change – and the negative impact of not changing – you’ll find it easier to buy in.

4. Ask lots of questions, but don’t expect all the answers right away. Your leaders don’t have a fool-proof crystal ball. There will be unanticipated events, modifications and impact. Some ambiguity is to be expected.

5. Choose your behavior. You could join the vocal opposition or an underground movement for the status quo. While that may delay the change, your reputation will be damaged. If you can’t be an early adopter, strive to be at least a neutral-to-positive force for change. Above all, don’t feed the gossip mill, and confront peers whose behavior is inappropriate.

Some changes may so profoundly affect the organization or your role that staying on the job is difficult, even impossible. As with any unknown, expect the best AND prepare for the worst. As Charles R. Swindoll said, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”

 

Struggling with change? Contact Humanergy

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Empathy: Not just for the touchy-feely

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I worked for a boss once who was profoundly uncomfortable with feelings. He was a likeable guy who preferred to keep his distance when things got personal or emotional. It wasn’t unusual for him to miss meetings where contentious issues were going to be discussed.

My boss’ lack of empathy allowed him to deal with the facts at hand, without the complication of wading into various perspectives or attitudes. What he lost, however, was the ability to maximize our emotional intelligence, an important factor in team success.

Empathy was defined by Daniel Goleman in the HBR article, What Makes a Leader, as “the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people” and “skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions.”

If you’re thinking that empathy is an unnecessary distraction, consider its benefits to leaders:

Empathy gives you insight. You will gain a richer understanding of your organization’s people, competitors and customers – and therefore make better decisions.

Empathy enhances influence. You will not be able to sway your peers or boss without understanding their perspectives and attitudes. Your attempts at persuasion will fall on deaf ears if you do not connect with what is important to them.

Empathy helps you leverage diversity. Your team is composed of people with skills, experiences and cultural backgrounds that are different from yours. Asking genuine questions and not making assumptions will help you not only “get them” as people, it will also allow you to tap into their interests and utilize their unique abilities.

How to enhance empathy?

Start with humility. You haven’t got it all figured out. Recognize that you need all of your people’s capabilities – tangible and intangible – to succeed.

Be curious. Listen more and talk less. Ask questions about what people are thinking and feeling. Don’t assume you already know.

Ask for feedback and input, and really mean it. Use the ideas and innovations that your team shares. This will encourage people to share more over time.

Empathy isn’t a magic bullet, as noted by Steve Tobak in a recent post. It is an important tool for your leadership toolbox that should be regularly used.

“If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it” (Atticus Finch, a fictitious character in the book, To Kill a Mockingbird).

 

To find out more about how you can beef up your empathy, contact Humanergy.

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Don’t worry, be happy

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I used to be a prolific worrier. Until my mid-thirties, my worries ranged from anxiety about my unreliable car to whether the world was going to implode. As with many people, middle-of-the-night worrying interrupted my sleep, when a cornucopia of real or perceived threats kept me tossing and turning.

Worrying is a tough habit to break, and it’s worth the effort. Why?

Chronic worrying is bad for your health. According to WebMD: Chronic worrying affects your daily life so much that it interferes with your appetite, lifestyle habits, relationships, sleep, and job performance.

It is easy to confuse worrying with problem solving. Worrying doesn’t actually solve anything, and the more time you spend worrying, the more problems (real or imagined) you’ll find. No solutions, just a host of problems that will probably never come to pass.

There is no easy solution for us worry warts, however, there are strategies that can help create a more carefree existence:

Figure out what you worry about. You might need to dig to find the source of “free-floating anxiety.” If you worry most about relationships, for example, you can take steps to improve them. If you worry about everything, you might need some help for generalized anxiety disorder.

Schedule worrying. The Mayo Clinic suggests setting aside a time for worrying. (They suggest this to caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients, but I think it applies to anyone.) Mayo Clinic blogger Angela Lunde suggests, “When worry or other draining emotion begins to consume your thoughts, acknowledge it and then commit that you will give it your full attention during “worry time”. Until then, give yourself permission to put it out of your mind.”

Create a memory jogger. If you really want to break the worrying habit, do something that reminds you that you’re taking a new approach to your troubles. Wear your watch on the other arm, or set your mobile phone alarm to remind yourself periodically to check and reset your thinking.

Replace your worries with new thinking. How did I break the worrying habit? I decided to stop worrying about things outside of my control, and replace those negative internal messages with positive ones. Whenever I found myself worrying about layoffs at work, I would change my thought to, “I will continue to do my best, and ultimately this will all work out.”

Talk and write. Putting your worries into words in and of itself can make you feel better. This can also help you figure out if your problems are real or inflated. Talk with a trusted friend or confidant, and let this person know how they can help (like listen, ask questions or give advice). Writing about your worries allows you to clarify your thoughts and feelings, and gives you a great record of what’s bugging you when and why.

Use worrying to your advantage. A mild amount of disquiet can be motivational. If you’re feeling a little anxious about something at work, use that energy to fuel disciplined action and boost execution.

Sometimes we are dealt a hand that is extremely hard to handle. When this happens, worrying is natural. A brief period of anxiety should be immediately followed by creating a plan and making it happen. “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere” (author unknown).

 


Regrets, I’ve had a few

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Kathryn Schulz did an amazing lecture on regret (Ted Lecture Best of 2011). She used her regret over getting a tattoo as an example, which I found amusing since to most folks, her tattoo is not spectacular in any way. She explored her intense feelings, which came in this order:

1. Denial (make it go away)

2. Bewilderment (how could I have done that?)

3. Punishment (I could kick myself)

4. Perseveration (infinite loop of above)

Ms. Schulz also explored the surprising fact that people actually feel worse when things that turned out badly almost turned out well. The project that was almost perfect, except for one tiny, fatal flaw. The job you didn’t get, though you were in the top two.

She encourages us not to hate ourselves for our regrets. We should love our flaws and the imperfect things we create. They are the lessons learned and the path to something better.

It is probably also true that we should have relatively few regrets. Holding on to any kind of bitterness just isn’t healthy or productive. Failure is one thing – you learn and you go on. Mournful regrets hang around like a bad rash.

Limiting regrets requires disciplining your mind. If you find yourself mentally re-hashing a painful moment, stop. (You may find it helpful to say the word “stop” out loud.) If there’s a lesson to be learned from the situation, jot that down. Then shove the memory in a remote mental closet and lock the door.

As Jonathan Larson said, “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” 


Darn it! Does swearing make you colorful or crude?

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“Life is a four-letter word.” (Lenny Bruce)

One of the most influential memories from childhood involves my brother getting his mouth washed out with soap for uttering a swear word. I can’t recall the specific word, but I do remember the gagging, amidst promises never to repeat the offense. I was certainly careful to keep my own language G-rated in front of my mom after that disturbing event!

Truth be told, my language of late could merit some soap; and, I’m not alone. It seems that society today accepts, or at least tolerates, a certain level of profanity. When it comes to our kids and cussing, we often adopt a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude.

Is swearing at work no big deal? Or, does it mark you as a person who is not in control? I like the Evil HR Lady’s take on four-letter words in the CBS blog post called Swearing at Work. She says:

“Someone will argue that using swear words just shows who they really are; and, if you tell them to stop it, you’re suppressing their personality and creativity. I say any 13 year old can say dirty words; and, if you want to demonstrate your individuality and creativity, try saying something different.”

So why do I occasionally slip and use bad language? Sometimes I think it makes me feel better. It’s mildly cathartic. I also think it’s my way of saying, “I am really, really upset; so, pay attention!”

I wonder if I also subconsciously think letting a few expletives fly makes me more colorful and interesting – sort of the “bad girl” persona that contrasts with my solidly boring, Midwestern self. (In my own defense, I should note that I really don’t use bad language in a hurtful way – at least I certainly hope I don’t!)

All excuses aside, swearing isn’t really attractive or necessary to explain the amplitude of my feelings. It’s a lazy way to blow off some steam or be expressive. When choosing my words going forward, I vow to choose carefully. I will remember the wise words of the Evil HR Lady who said, “I have never heard anyone say, ‘Gee, I just love Bill’s foul mouth.’”

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Communicating heart to heart

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A recent Next Level Blog post about the Dalai Lama stimulated my thinking about leadership and communication. The post noted that the Dalai Lama encourages people to communicate not person-to-person, but heart-to-heart. As leaders, it can be all too easy to communicate position-to-position, so even person-to-person seems like a tall order. What would it mean for your leadership performance if you were able to speak to the hearts of those you lead?

Acknowledges the reality that we are all spiritual beings. We are not defined by our jobs, bodies, capabilities or any other physical characteristics. We are more defined by our hopes, dreams and feelings than by our physical being. Research in emotional intelligence has verified that a healthy emotional state is critical to leadership. Recognizing the spiritual aspects of people means that leaders must understand both what is important to others and what causes them stress or worry. Likewise, leaders must be willing to share at least part of their internal selves as well. As Pierre Tielhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Conveys a more authentic you. Expressing your genuine emotions with others allows them to get to know the real you. This does not have to mean baring your soul. It does mean that if you’re sad or angry, you should acknowledge it. Hiding your emotions, whether you realize you’re doing it or not, is rarely successful, because the people around you recognize that something is going on.

Allows you to influence your people on a deeper level. Effective leaders seek to motivate and influence the people around them. Inspiring someone with no emotional connection is extremely difficult. When leaders have heart-to-heart connections, they are better able to galvanize the collective energies and connect to the reasons people do more than just show up to work. These leaders are able to connect the work to people’s passions.

Creates an environment of trust. It can be frustrating to work closely with someone who keeps you at arms length. This isn’t about wanting deep and meaningful conversations. This is simply creating an atmosphere of approachability – where issues are openly dealt with, whether they be content-based or related to how people work together. Trust can be adversely affected when one or more team members have feelings that affect team functioning, yet are not discussed. A healthy environment and a degree of emotional connectedness allow team members to deal with the tough stuff.

Allows for healthy discourse and disagreement. When people are connected on a deep level, they are able to express their ideas fully, including dissenting opinions. This is exactly the atmosphere you want as a leader – candid and respectful debate that leads to the best decisions and creative solutions.

Makes you more persuasive. Creating an emotional connection with others sets the stage for being able to sell your ideas effectively. Nothing is more compelling than a solid set of facts embedded in a story that connects with people’s emotions. If you already have a good understanding of how your audience feels on the subject, crafting your message is much easier.

I have had the experience of working with a person who was very closed when it came to emotions. He took “never let them see you sweat” to an extreme. As a colleague, it was frustrating and nonproductive, because it inserted more noise in the process. First, we had to gain an understanding of his position on an issue. Then we also had to figure out how he felt about it, which was darn near impossible. What a waste of energy that could have been otherwise invested productively in the organization!

If you tend towards a more unemotional approach, how can you begin? Consider how you arrive at work each day. I have a terrible habit of marching in, head down, deep in thought. Look up, smile and say, “Good morning.” Whatever you do, align it with how you really feel; be authentic, not fake. Otherwise, you leave people wondering, “What’s up with her?” You’d rather have them saying, “It’s great to work with her, even when she’s having a bad day!”

Could your communication practices be more heart-to-heart? Or is there something else on your mind about leadership?  Contact Humanergy.

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What is your level of pisstivity?

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Life has been hard lately, and many of us here at Humanergy are wondering what other challenges the universe will bring our way. Because of this seemingly never-ending set of problems, many of us are experiencing a high level of pisstivity. According to the Urban Dictionary (and Karen’s friend) “pisstivity” is the degree to which one is angry, to use a more refined term. We are at varying levels of pisstivity, ranging from mildly irritated to plotting get-backs that we would never actually set in motion.

How do you handle your own anger or manage in an environment where pisstivity is a chronic or acute problem?

Acknowledge your level. It’s OK to say that you’re mad, furious or whatever. In fact, it’s healthy. Those ultra-smart Mayo Clinic experts say that anger is a normal and healthy emotion.

Use anger to fuel positive action. For some of us, anger can be a good motivator to take action or have a much-needed conversation. Reacting in anger only makes matters worse, so take a break to calm down. Just don’t wait too long to act, because often when anger dissipates, so does our inclination to follow through.

Allow others to be angry. If you don’t feel comfortable with your own feelings, observing others expressing anger, even in an acceptable manner, can be uncomfortable. Think about why strong emotions trigger you to react. Don’t expect others to feel the same way you do, to express it your way or to get over it within your required timeframe. Also, allow others to express their real feelings in ways that are respectful. Offer to help if it seems that they’re holding on to a high level of pisstivity for an extended period.

Find the humor. Just the term “pisstivity” helped us to acknowledge our feelings and laugh about them at the same time. We realized that it’s perfectly fine to blow off a little steam; then we helped each other keep the situations and our reactions in perspective.

Be the rock. When you can’t impact whatever is bugging you, don’t bother getting mad. Be the rock in the middle of the stream. Water flows around it, but it does not move the rock. Likewise, don’t let little things get to you. As George Carlin said, “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

Bask in the dabs of sunshine. It ain’t all bad, even in the worst of times. Schedule time to dwell on the good stuff – celebrate it, bask in it and let the positive energy take over for a while.

Be a role model. Sometimes environments seem to breed negativity. If you work in a situation where anger is pervasive, you really have two choices. You can be a force for change or you can get out of there. Leaders can set a good example and use Rosabeth Moss Kanter’s three steps to help employees deal with frustration: Empathize, offer support and invoke higher principles.

We may not choose our feelings. We do choose how to react to them. When your degree of pisstivity is elevated, think and act with care and in alignment with your values. Nursing a grudge never pays. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die” (Malachy McCourt).

Have a question about this topic or want some input from Humanergy? Contact us!

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