Tag Archives: Influence

Help people learn by experience

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Experience is a wonderful teacher. If you’ve ever tried to convince someone of something by using your gift of gab, you know what I mean. It’s hard to talk people into changing their minds.

Once people have experienced something for themselves, they don’t just believe it. They are true believers and are more likely to want (even need) to share it with others. It is nearly impossible to talk someone out of a belief they’ve gained through personal experience.

Helping people learn through experience takes some setup. Imagine that you want to convince people to change the way they do something at work. If the change is significant, you need to give them some insight and perspective before you say, “Do it this way now!”  How do you set the stage for people learning through experience?

1. Frame and message the idea. Put it into context, help people understand how it applies to them and stress why it matters. “Customers have been concerned that our response to complaints is slow. We are going to change processes to stay competitive.”

2. Share and compare. Ask people to share what they already know on the topic. Build on this information and clarify any points of confusion. “Here’s the current process for prioritizing complaints… What has been your experience? What has worked and what hasn’t?”

3. Test and explore. Tap into people’s previous experiences (“When has this happened to you?”) or predictions (“What would happen if…?“). People begin to think critically about the issue and understand it on a more personal level. “Have you used a matrix to prioritize complaints before? What unexpected consequences might we experience?”

4. Do and learn. Finally, help the person to experience the situation for herself; at this stage, experience becomes a shared understanding. “Let’s try the matrix for an hour with real issues. We’ll share our thoughts and suggestions afterwards.”

Even with the best preparation and explanation, it is only through experience that we can achieve profound insights and deep understanding. When a new idea is explained, tested and adapted in real life, enthusiasm and confidence soar. If you’re struggling with a problem, gain clarity through direct experience. As Leonardo da Vinci said, “Wisdom is the daughter of experience.”

 

Want to set people up for great learning experiences? Contact Humanergy for help.

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Can you fix people?

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We have heard it before. “You can’t change people.” Yet we persist with the idea that if we just use the right words at the right time, the other person will “get it.”

In “Leadership in the Age of Complexity: From Hero to Host” Margaret Wheatley (no relation to Humanergy’s co-founder, David Wheatley) talks about the myth of the heroic leader. One thing the heroic leader believes is that people will do what they are told, if they are given good enough instructions.

The problem here is the illusion that leaders control what they cannot, like what others do, think or feel. What you can control is your own actions.

Rather than jumping in to correct what’s wrong with their people, leaders can be a positive influence and provide support. They can:

Articulate a vision for the future

Be specific about expectations

Ask great questions

Give feedback on behaviors

Protect people from bureaucracy, politics and other distractions

Celebrate wins

When you feel the urge to jump in and fix a person, say, “I want to help. How can I best do that?”

Want to help your people navigate choppy waters? Contact Humanergy.

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Three steps to selling anything

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We recently had a fascinating team discussion about business development. Experts say that the vast majority of successful sales conversations involve the buyer talking more than the seller. (No wonder we are turned off by the fast-talking used car salesperson!)

Whether you’re selling a product, service or idea, the most important job of the seller is to listen. You will gain valuable insight about the buyer, but only if you are fully listening (not planning your next comment).

The next priority is asking powerful questions in order to understand the reality of the potential customer.“How is production affected when this machine breaks down?”

Finally, summarize your understanding to make sure that what you heard is really what the other person said. Do not assume that you get it. Periodically sum it up in your own words. “What I heard was you have a problem with the amount of resources this solution will require.”

One potential pitfall is asking questions in order to persuade, not to understand. Questions with an ulterior motive feel manipulative to the listener and can be a barrier in any conversation. When seeking to influence, whether you’re selling a service or an idea, ask honest and sincere questions.

Excellent tips for asking questions (stay in a state of curiosity to sort out where people are coming from) and listening (eliminate judgmental self-conversation, such as “They’re just not getting it!”) are found in Kevin Cashman’s blog on Fast Company.

You have listened, asked questions and ensured that you have mutual understanding. Now is the time to offer your solution. “The wise man puts himself last and finds himself first” (Lao Tsu).

 

Want to be a whiz at selling your big idea? Contact Humanergy.

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Are you a bully boss?

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I saw these words on a t-shirt yesterday:

Humankind. Be both.

Full of warm feelings about the human family, this morning I read a Washington Post blog titled, Do jerks make better leaders? Geoffrey Nunberg concludes that jerky CEOs (he calls them A-holes) get more airtime from the media and attention in popular culture. “Every age seizes on one social miscreant to personify its deepest social anxieties,” and for the moment, it’s the bully boss.

New leaders can confuse the need for clear expectations or accountability with the need to be a jerk. I hope that everyone who reads Mr. Nunberg’s post will focus less on the Donald-Trump-like antics and more on these last two lines:

“True, every once in a while an A-word aspirant manages to percolate to the executive dining room on the strength of audacity alone. But the majority wind up seven job changes later, still in the company cafeteria, eating lunch alone.”

Bill Taylor sums up the importance of kindness (versus being smart) on Harvard Business Review’s blog:

“So by all means, encourage your people to embrace technology, get great at business analytics, and otherwise ramp up the efficiency of everything they do. But just make sure all their efficiency doesn’t come at the expense of their humanity. Small gestures can send big signals about who we are, what we care about, and why people should want to affiliate with us. It’s harder (and more important) to be kind than clever.”

Go forth and be an intelligent, demanding and nice leader!

 

Want to find better balance between kindness and accountability? Contact Humanergy

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Use influence to reel in success

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Influence allows you to impact results through your interactions with other people. Although you can’t control the outcome completely, you can increase the probability of achieving the impact you desire by how you network, communicate and find common ground with other people.

A powerful metaphor for influence is sport fishing. How is it that you can use a 50-pound line to land a 250 pound fish?

Be patient. Know where you want to end up, but manage your expectations along the way.

Be aware. Influence and manage the other people on the boat – the other people who can affect the situation.

Control yourself. Check your ego and your need to win.

Be purposeful. Be intense, but don’t make rash choices; consider the impact of your actions.

Know your fish. What are the characteristics of others involved? What choices are they making right now?

Be the fish. Don’t focus on you and your needs; get in the heads of the others involved.

Adjust as you learn. Your desired outcomes and your actions may need to change to create the right results for everyone.

Work within the parameters of the line. What are your limits and abilities? What do others want? What can they contribute?

Reel it in. Don’t ease up just because things seem to be going well. Follow through with 100% of the discipline you had when you started.

Use your influence to reel in the big fish and contribute to the greater good. Remember the words of Jackie Robinson: “A life isn’t significant except for its influence on other lives.”

 


Can you really say no to your boss?

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Even when you have a positive relationship, bringing bad news to the boss is something most people would rather avoid. This includes telling the boss, “no,” even when it’s the right thing to do.

Sure, the supervisor should welcome honesty and candor – and most do. However, when delivering a “no” message, it’s also important to know what to tell your boss, when and how.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis of Fortune wrote, “companies that foster a fear-free culture enjoy better decision-making, more ethical behavior and the ability to truly harness the collective brainpower of the workforce.”  Creating and maintaining a positive culture isn’t just the boss’ job. How direct reports share information and team with their bosses for mutual success contributes to a transparent culture as well.

How do you effectively tell your boss “no?”

Communicate when an important result is at stake. If a key project or outcome is at risk, you need to tell your boss. State the situation clearly and provide possible solutions. “The software integration is 2 months behind schedule and 40% over budget. Options include adding a person to the team or finding an alternative vendor.”

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Speak up if your boss assigns you something that is outside your skillset and more than a stretch goal. However, don’t leave her holding the ball. Suggest what you can do and who might fill the gap. “My skills would be better utilized on the project management end, with Sean on the technical side.”

Prepare the boss and speak in private. Your boss may be less willing to be open to input if it comes out of the blue. Send him an email, letting him know that you have some ideas you’d like to share. Meet one-on-one to explore these ideas without an audience that could have an unanticipated impact.

Say thanks. Even if she doesn’t agree with your perspective, your boss took the time to listen (hopefully). No matter how the meeting goes, genuinely thank her for her time. You’ll build some relationship capital that may be helpful in the future.

When saying no, or delivering any message that might be hard to hear, use as few words as possible. There is no need to use giant words, spin, lecture or defend. Remember the advice of John Kotter. “Good communication does not mean you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn’t about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way.”

 


Empathy: Not just for the touchy-feely

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I worked for a boss once who was profoundly uncomfortable with feelings. He was a likeable guy who preferred to keep his distance when things got personal or emotional. It wasn’t unusual for him to miss meetings where contentious issues were going to be discussed.

My boss’ lack of empathy allowed him to deal with the facts at hand, without the complication of wading into various perspectives or attitudes. What he lost, however, was the ability to maximize our emotional intelligence, an important factor in team success.

Empathy was defined by Daniel Goleman in the HBR article, What Makes a Leader, as “the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people” and “skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions.”

If you’re thinking that empathy is an unnecessary distraction, consider its benefits to leaders:

Empathy gives you insight. You will gain a richer understanding of your organization’s people, competitors and customers – and therefore make better decisions.

Empathy enhances influence. You will not be able to sway your peers or boss without understanding their perspectives and attitudes. Your attempts at persuasion will fall on deaf ears if you do not connect with what is important to them.

Empathy helps you leverage diversity. Your team is composed of people with skills, experiences and cultural backgrounds that are different from yours. Asking genuine questions and not making assumptions will help you not only “get them” as people, it will also allow you to tap into their interests and utilize their unique abilities.

How to enhance empathy?

Start with humility. You haven’t got it all figured out. Recognize that you need all of your people’s capabilities – tangible and intangible – to succeed.

Be curious. Listen more and talk less. Ask questions about what people are thinking and feeling. Don’t assume you already know.

Ask for feedback and input, and really mean it. Use the ideas and innovations that your team shares. This will encourage people to share more over time.

Empathy isn’t a magic bullet, as noted by Steve Tobak in a recent post. It is an important tool for your leadership toolbox that should be regularly used.

“If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it” (Atticus Finch, a fictitious character in the book, To Kill a Mockingbird).

 

To find out more about how you can beef up your empathy, contact Humanergy.

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Supercharge your mentoring

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There are mentors, and then there are people who step up in a more intentional way to make a profound, lasting impact on our lives.

Lou is one of those people for me. I was a 22-year old graduate student working full-time in student services. I was green (not in an environmental way) and somewhat sheltered.

Lou was a colleague in the department, and for whatever reason, she took it upon herself to help me out. How did she step out of the bounds of mentorship into a game-changing relationship that catapulted my growth?

Her intent was pure. Sure, my doe-eyed perspective sometimes irritated Lou. But I always knew that underneath her gruff exterior, her goal was to help me, always. She had no hidden agenda, and she didn’t even get too invested in whether I took her advice or not. She offered it freely with no strings attached.

She gave it to me straight. Direct isn’t the right word. Lou was “in-your-face,” blunt, often profane and unapologetic. She didn’t just NOT beat around the bush. She never saw the bush in the first place. The payoff for me? I never had to figure out what she meant…it was crystal clear.

Lou pursued my growth, even when I didn’t want to listen. In spite of my inexperience, I thought I had certain things figured out. Lou took the risk to teach me life lessons that I needed to hear, and she managed to break through my naivete. Typical conversations of this type started with, “Listen, I am going to share some stuff I wish someone had told me.”

Lou was imperfect and self-aware. I learned as much from what Lou did badly as I did from her positive example. The ultimate lesson was that I didn’t have to be perfect. I just had to be honest with myself and others and then commit to getting better every day.

It was reciprocal. Over time, I had an impact on Lou as well. She valued my insights and ideas, and our relationship evolved to that of colleagues who supported and challenged one another.

Lou’s lessons have stuck with me for over 30 years, and I see now how her purposeful influence was a central catalyst for my professional growth. While unorthodox, her style was uniquely “Lou” and just what I needed at that time in my career.

How can you shake off the confines of the traditional mentor role and be that enriching person for someone? You’ll change their life and probably yours as well.

 

Contact Humanergy to find out more about coaching and mentoring.

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How to respond to offensive remarks

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How many times have you heard a comment that struck you as disrespectful or offensive, and you didn’t respond? Maybe you didn’t know the other person, and felt too awkward to comment. Maybe you just weren’t sure you wanted to wade into the issue. Many of us (myself included) have opted not to comment, because we are afraid of the consequences or are unsure of what to say.

You don’t have to confront every piece of communication with which you don’t agree. When should you engage, having heard what you feel is a demeaning remark?

When it offends you. This may be obvious, but sometimes we think, “maybe I’m being too sensitive.” That’s usually just a way of avoiding the issue. If you find the remark offensive, that’s grounds enough to comment on it. You don’t need a panel of experts backing you up.

When the comment is made within your conversation. Overhearing a rude outburst from afar might give you a free pass. However, if someone makes an offensive remark in the context of your discussion, you can and should respond. Even if the words weren’t directed at you, it is still important to weigh in.

When you know the person. Strangers behaving badly may benefit from some type of intervention. Friends and colleagues definitely would. The difference here is your ability to influence their thinking and behavior. You owe it to the other person to bring the matter to their attention.

When you have the power. Let’s face it. There are some people who are in a much better position to confront distasteful speech. Leaders must role model the standards of the organization and confront those who disregard those standards. The implicit message when you say nothing is to approve.

When you know you should weigh in, how can you do so in a way that is maximally constructive?

Be brief. There is no need to launch into a protracted speech on the distasteful statement. Get to the point. “I found the term “fairy” to be offensive,” for example.

Stay focused on observable behavior. Resist the urge to extrapolate and comment on the person’s attitude or beliefs. “You used the word “girl” to refer to a grown woman.” Leave out your personal opinion that the person is a sexist.

Be willing to educate. Often people are operating out of ignorance and do not intend to be disrespectful. Assume that this is the case, until proven otherwise. A comment like, “that term has negative connotation you may not be aware of,” may pave the way to increased awareness.

State your feelings. After you’ve named the behavior, it is more than appropriate to state how you felt about it. “I felt offended [hurt] [angry].” This will help the other individual understand your true perspective and the impact of his behavior.

Be respectful and loving. It might seem strange to respond with care to a person who has said something you found repugnant. However, don’t give in to your urge to demean the speaker. Doing so would only inflame the situation, and may cause the other person to shut down and stop listening. Remember that your goal is to promote and model respectful communication; you won’t do that if you respond angrily.

Remain firm in your feedback. “Hey, lighten up,” can be a common response to being confronted. Simply stated, offensive speech is not trivial. At work, it can be illegal or at least highly disruptive. Your feedback is valid, regardless of the other person’s receptivity (or lack thereof).

Report abuse or discrimination. Persons who are verbally abusive or practice discrimination have no place in your organization. Take action, either yourself or by reporting such behavior to the person’s boss.

Part of our responsibility as human beings is to preserve the dignity of others. Caring enough to speak the truth is not always easy. It is, however, one of the most important things we can do. It may not feel that way at the time, but refuting objectionable comments is a courtesy we extend to the speaker. Giving difficult feedback means, “I care about you too much to let this go.”

 

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Need more information or want to speak with a Humanergy associate? Contact us!

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Are women really less confident in the workplace?

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A coworker recently commented, “It’s true that women are less confident on the job than men.” As you might expect, I couldn’t just let that statement slide. “You don’t really think that’s true,” I said. With some trepidation, he said that he did. I asked for his sources of information, and decided right then to figure out more!

Part of my shock at this commentary on confidence was due to my past experience. In my dealings with male and female leaders, I have found no correlation between gender and self-confidence. I would say that women were generally more willing to admit their faults and limitations. Men, on the other hand, more often buried their insecurities, hoping that people wouldn’t notice. (They did anyway.)

Often the issue of perceived confidence boils down to social conditioning. According to Dr. Lois Frankel, author of Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, women learn as girls that they are expected to be “nice.” This meant being quiet, taking care of others and not asking for what you want. These behaviors in adulthood, such as excessive apologizing, stating opinions as questions or asking permission to take action, sabotage women’s careers.

Experts like Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., have identified nonverbal behaviors that women often use that convey weakness. Women generally tilt their heads more, which is a sign of attentiveness that is also interpreted as submission. Women who twirl their hair or play with jewelry are exhibiting girlish ways of dealing with stress that erodes their power. Likewise, nodding and smiling convey engagement and approval, but can derail your efforts to broach a serious subject or make a credible argument.

On the flip side, exuding confidence brings potential pitfalls for women leaders. A meta-analysis of research, conducted at Northwestern University, found:

Women are viewed as less qualified or natural in most leadership roles, the research shows, and secondly, when women adopt culturally masculine behaviors often required by these roles, they may be viewed as inappropriate or presumptuous.

Women must walk a tightrope between being perceived as too nice (and weak) or overly aggressive (and witchy). Women who can display both stereotypically male and female characteristics appear to be most successful. A Stanford University study states that “for women to be successful they must simultaneously present themselves as self–confident and dominant while tempering these qualities with displays of communal characteristics.” Women who were good self-monitors and knew how to adapt situationally actually achieved more career success than men.

True confidence comes from your core, from knowing who you are and what you can and cannot do. Confidence can be bolstered by achievement, but only in the sense that attaining something meaningful reinforces and expands upon that unwavering core. It is incumbent upon all leaders, male and female, to feed this healthy sense of self, measuring success not by what others think, but by what you know to be true and in the best interests of the greater good.

What has been your experience with gender and confidence?