Tag Archives: relationships

Identify your elephants

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Sheila and Sam have never gotten along well, and when they are assigned to a key project together, neither person is pleased. Minor tensions slowly grow into full-scale battle, and the rest of the team is uncertain about what to do. They encourage Sheila and Sam to “stay focused” and “try to get along.” Meanwhile, the task they are assigned is floundering.

In the midst of a conflict situation, we sometimes address only the symptoms and surface issues. The elephants in the room – emotional flash points – are ignored out of fear that they will result in a heated exchange, or worse, permanently damage the already-tenuous relationship.

Some of these potential flash points are past history, power differences, hidden agendas and fear of being blamed or humiliated. It can be hard to raise these issues in the conversation; NOT addressing them, however, can guarantee that you’ll be in conflict again very soon.

If you observe this dynamic at work, here are some tips about navigating these sensitive issues:

Bring in a facilitator. Someone who is not involved in the conflict may be in a better position to ask the right questions, ensure open communication and enforce ground rules.

Use “I” statements. Encourage both parties to speak from their own perspective and experience. Avoid making assumptions or accusing others of feeling a certain way.

Ask questions. Statements can have the effect of hardening positions. Try asking open-ended questions instead, like, “How does the previous project’s failure affect our interactions today?” or “What issues of power play a role in this conflict?”

Use neutral language. This may take some pre-planning. Think of the words that might inflame tensions, and how you can restate the same idea in more neutral terms. Avoid sarcasm, exaggerations, name-calling and offensive language.

One of the most difficult aspects of conflict resolution is recognizing when we are stuck, or that we have emotional “elephants” that keep us from seeing the situation differently. Remember the words of George Bernard Shaw when you need to stay open to self-awareness: “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.”

Need help identifying your elephants and managing conflict? Contact Humanergy.

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Feed your team

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I am a card-carrying member of ASDT (Adult Survivors of a Dysfunctional Team). I am sure that it is just a coincidence (or the fact that I have been working for many, many years), but I’ve served on a few teams that were not productive.

Dysfunctional teams do tend to get attention, even if the intervention doesn’t always work. The teams that get short shrift are the okay, average and good ones. As long as the team isn’t hopeless or causing too many problems for others, it’s not likely to rise to the top of the boss’ priority list.

Too bad. Great teams are the drivers of amazing results, as reinforced by Harvard Business Review blogger, Judith A. Ross, in Make Your Good Team Great. Research shows that the qualities that drive top team performance can be described as group Emotional Intelligence. In other words, these teams know how to recognize and manage the emotions of their members.

Ms. Ross recommends making time for the team to connect both inter-personally and around their strengths. This will help them appreciate each others’ contributions and tap each person’s strengths. She also emphasizes the importance of teams recognizing and managing the emotions that are sure to arise – the conflicts and the joys.

Kim Kanaga and Henry Browning authored the Center for Creative Leadership’s Keeping Watch: How to Monitor and Maintain a Team. They recommend that leaders regularly monitor a team’s status in six dimensions of team performance:

Clear purpose

Empowering team structure

Strong organizational support

Positive internal relationships

Well-tended external relationships

Efficient information management

The authors suggest ways to evaluate each of these six dimensions, and also expand upon four key indicators, which they liken to the gauges on a car’s dashboard.

Effort – Extent to which members devote time and effort to the task

Knowledge and skills – Degree to which the team possesses the right competencies

Tactics – Using rational, logical and direct approaches to accomplish goals

Group dynamics – Extent to which the team works without undue friction or waste

People who lead teams must regularly “take the pulse” of the team and help them adapt to changing circumstances. Teams need a leader who can smooth the way, ensuring that the team has the information, resources, autonomy and management support that will ensure success. What can you do today to make the life of your team better?

Need help leading your team? Contact Humanergy.

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Great expectations

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It may seem like common sense that when a teacher expects students to excel at a certain level, the students do. Grading can be subjective, after all. It is more surprising that studies of teachers have found that students’ scores on objective IQ tests correlated with teacher expectations.

Specifically,  if teachers are told that a randomly-selected student is expected to realize a large gain in IQ, that is exactly what happens. Why? Teachers begin to treat them differently. These “expectations affect teachers’ moment-to-moment interactions with the children they teach in a thousand almost invisible ways. Teachers give the students that they expect to succeed more time to answer questions, more specific feedback, and more approval: They consistently touch, nod and smile at those kids more.”

Transferring this phenomenon to a work setting, research by Jean-Francois Manzoni and Jean-Louis Barsoux indicates that the boss is often inadvertently complicit in the failure of an employee. This dynamic begins with an early mistake, lukewarm recommendation or personality clash and is set in motion as the boss questions the employee’s competence. Under increased scrutiny by the boss, the employee loses confidence. He freezes or over-reacts. The syndrome is then in full swing, and it is no surprise when the employee fails.

Think about the people you supervise, and ask yourself these questions:

What do you expect your people to accomplish?

How does that impact your behavior and thus, their achievement?

How should you change your thinking and behavior to remove the impact of unwarranted low expectations?

Need help managing your expectations and your people’s performance? Contact Humanergy.

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The best way to make your customers happy

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When it comes to making your customers happy, a recent blog post from our friends at Brains on Fire said it best. “Happy employees lead to happy customers. And that “shared happy” leads to positive word of mouth.”

So, how do you increase the happiness of your employees? Steve Cooper blogged at Forbes.com about Dr. Noelle Nelson’s book, Make More Money By Making Your Employees Happy.  It turns out that what people really want is for companies to “keep promises and show compassion for their employees.”

Paul Spiegelman, author of Why is Everyone Smiling?, suggests at Inc.com:

Recognize and reward. Give accolades to people who are doing a good job by publicly recognizing what is going well.

Make room for fun. Make time for people to do something wacky or unusual.

Walk the talk. Rules, ethics and consequences apply to everyone, regardless of position.

Implementing these strategies doesn’t mean that your employees won’t face problems. Your job as a leader is to enable true happiness – the ability to effectively confront and work through the difficulties that are inevitable in any workplace.

Need to boost happiness at work? Contact Humanergy.

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Assume the best

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You get to work and read an email from a coworker:

Christi – the side door was left unlocked between 2 and 3 pm again. Have you thought of creating a checklist that will help you remember?

Jane

You think:

  • What a jerk
  • Thanks for the helpful suggestion. I’ll try it!
  • She seems to have good ideas, so maybe she can help me figure out what to do

Your answer to this question says a lot about what you believe to be true about people. If you sometimes think the worst of people, you can change and more often give people the benefit of the doubt. Try these tips:

Slow things down. A frenetic pace can promote reactivity and impatience. Take a moment to stop, think and choose your behavior.

Train yourself to think from others’ point of view. Remember that people bring a diversity of culture, learning and experience to every life situation. Practice thinking, “I wonder why she feels that way” and respond based upon genuine curiosity. Learn why they take the actions they take. Ask about what you don’t understand.

Give yourself cues. Display a picture or quote that reminds you of people’s positive qualities. Light a scented candle or play relaxing music to set a laid-back tone.

Treat yourself with respect. People who are critical of others are often their own worst critic. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and it will be easier to lighten up with others as well.

Remember that giving others a break is really doing you a favor. When you assume the best, you experience less stress. It doesn’t mean you won’t confront truly inappropriate behavior. You just don’t assume that every possible slight is real or intentional. By choosing your battles, you have more productive energy for addressing the issues that matter most.

People are fallible and everyone makes mistakes. You might assume that some of these mistakes are directed at you. In reality, most often, the behavior is a result of ignorance or a different frame of reference. Or, said less kindly in the phrase known as Hanlon’s Razor, “Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.”

 

 

Need to make a commitment to assume positive intent? Contact Humanergy.

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Are you a bully boss?

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I saw these words on a t-shirt yesterday:

Humankind. Be both.

Full of warm feelings about the human family, this morning I read a Washington Post blog titled, Do jerks make better leaders? Geoffrey Nunberg concludes that jerky CEOs (he calls them A-holes) get more airtime from the media and attention in popular culture. “Every age seizes on one social miscreant to personify its deepest social anxieties,” and for the moment, it’s the bully boss.

New leaders can confuse the need for clear expectations or accountability with the need to be a jerk. I hope that everyone who reads Mr. Nunberg’s post will focus less on the Donald-Trump-like antics and more on these last two lines:

“True, every once in a while an A-word aspirant manages to percolate to the executive dining room on the strength of audacity alone. But the majority wind up seven job changes later, still in the company cafeteria, eating lunch alone.”

Bill Taylor sums up the importance of kindness (versus being smart) on Harvard Business Review’s blog:

“So by all means, encourage your people to embrace technology, get great at business analytics, and otherwise ramp up the efficiency of everything they do. But just make sure all their efficiency doesn’t come at the expense of their humanity. Small gestures can send big signals about who we are, what we care about, and why people should want to affiliate with us. It’s harder (and more important) to be kind than clever.”

Go forth and be an intelligent, demanding and nice leader!

 

Want to find better balance between kindness and accountability? Contact Humanergy

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Way to go!

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My daughter Shannon works in customer service, and she is cursed, screamed at and verbally abused on a daily basis. One day, however, the clouds parted and sunshine came in the form of an extremely happy customer. This person was delighted with Shannon’s speedy and effective help. This customer was so delighted that she wanted to share her feedback with Shannon’s supervisor, even though she had to wait on hold for several minutes to speak with the boss.

It was a great day for Shannon and her boss, who both got to take a break from problems, complaints and drama and revel in what was going right.

How much time do you spend problem-spotting versus applauding your people’s great actions and results?

Do it now, before the distractions of your work put it on the back burner again. Write an email, send a note or go tell someone in person that what they are doing makes a difference. You’ll make someone’s day amazing…and yours will be better, too!

Why are you still reading this?

 

Need creative ways to focus on the positives? Contact Humanergy.

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Are you nuts?

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Do you have to be boring or serious to be a great leader? The responsibilities may be challenging and even daunting some days. That doesn’t mean you have to turn into a somber, bland person.

In fact, it’s okay to be a little over-the-top, unique, zany or even a little nuts. Some of the best leaders in the world have been non-traditional and even a bit unhinged (Richard Branson and Steve Jobs, for example).

Experts on organizational success advise businesses to infuse their personality into everything they do. If businesses can be a little nuts, can’t their leaders be the same?

How can you express your individuality more fully in your leadership role?

Revel in and share your hobbies and interests, your culture or past experiences. Have you jumped from a plane? Do you sing opera? Can you whip up some amazing food?

Ask crazy, “what-if” questions about your work. What if we want to expand to Hawaii? What would we do differently if we decided to be the best in the world?

Laugh (mostly at yourself).

Allow your creative side to show. Jazz up your workspace in a way that fuels your thinking. Dress for success, with a bit of personality, so that you stand out from the crowd in a positive way.

Above all, enjoy each day’s moments by doing work that is meaningful to you. As Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.”

Need some help connecting with the real you? Contact Humanergy.

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Can you really say no to your boss?

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Even when you have a positive relationship, bringing bad news to the boss is something most people would rather avoid. This includes telling the boss, “no,” even when it’s the right thing to do.

Sure, the supervisor should welcome honesty and candor – and most do. However, when delivering a “no” message, it’s also important to know what to tell your boss, when and how.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis of Fortune wrote, “companies that foster a fear-free culture enjoy better decision-making, more ethical behavior and the ability to truly harness the collective brainpower of the workforce.”  Creating and maintaining a positive culture isn’t just the boss’ job. How direct reports share information and team with their bosses for mutual success contributes to a transparent culture as well.

How do you effectively tell your boss “no?”

Communicate when an important result is at stake. If a key project or outcome is at risk, you need to tell your boss. State the situation clearly and provide possible solutions. “The software integration is 2 months behind schedule and 40% over budget. Options include adding a person to the team or finding an alternative vendor.”

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Speak up if your boss assigns you something that is outside your skillset and more than a stretch goal. However, don’t leave her holding the ball. Suggest what you can do and who might fill the gap. “My skills would be better utilized on the project management end, with Sean on the technical side.”

Prepare the boss and speak in private. Your boss may be less willing to be open to input if it comes out of the blue. Send him an email, letting him know that you have some ideas you’d like to share. Meet one-on-one to explore these ideas without an audience that could have an unanticipated impact.

Say thanks. Even if she doesn’t agree with your perspective, your boss took the time to listen (hopefully). No matter how the meeting goes, genuinely thank her for her time. You’ll build some relationship capital that may be helpful in the future.

When saying no, or delivering any message that might be hard to hear, use as few words as possible. There is no need to use giant words, spin, lecture or defend. Remember the advice of John Kotter. “Good communication does not mean you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn’t about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way.”

 


Don’t worry, be happy

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I used to be a prolific worrier. Until my mid-thirties, my worries ranged from anxiety about my unreliable car to whether the world was going to implode. As with many people, middle-of-the-night worrying interrupted my sleep, when a cornucopia of real or perceived threats kept me tossing and turning.

Worrying is a tough habit to break, and it’s worth the effort. Why?

Chronic worrying is bad for your health. According to WebMD: Chronic worrying affects your daily life so much that it interferes with your appetite, lifestyle habits, relationships, sleep, and job performance.

It is easy to confuse worrying with problem solving. Worrying doesn’t actually solve anything, and the more time you spend worrying, the more problems (real or imagined) you’ll find. No solutions, just a host of problems that will probably never come to pass.

There is no easy solution for us worry warts, however, there are strategies that can help create a more carefree existence:

Figure out what you worry about. You might need to dig to find the source of “free-floating anxiety.” If you worry most about relationships, for example, you can take steps to improve them. If you worry about everything, you might need some help for generalized anxiety disorder.

Schedule worrying. The Mayo Clinic suggests setting aside a time for worrying. (They suggest this to caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients, but I think it applies to anyone.) Mayo Clinic blogger Angela Lunde suggests, “When worry or other draining emotion begins to consume your thoughts, acknowledge it and then commit that you will give it your full attention during “worry time”. Until then, give yourself permission to put it out of your mind.”

Create a memory jogger. If you really want to break the worrying habit, do something that reminds you that you’re taking a new approach to your troubles. Wear your watch on the other arm, or set your mobile phone alarm to remind yourself periodically to check and reset your thinking.

Replace your worries with new thinking. How did I break the worrying habit? I decided to stop worrying about things outside of my control, and replace those negative internal messages with positive ones. Whenever I found myself worrying about layoffs at work, I would change my thought to, “I will continue to do my best, and ultimately this will all work out.”

Talk and write. Putting your worries into words in and of itself can make you feel better. This can also help you figure out if your problems are real or inflated. Talk with a trusted friend or confidant, and let this person know how they can help (like listen, ask questions or give advice). Writing about your worries allows you to clarify your thoughts and feelings, and gives you a great record of what’s bugging you when and why.

Use worrying to your advantage. A mild amount of disquiet can be motivational. If you’re feeling a little anxious about something at work, use that energy to fuel disciplined action and boost execution.

Sometimes we are dealt a hand that is extremely hard to handle. When this happens, worrying is natural. A brief period of anxiety should be immediately followed by creating a plan and making it happen. “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere” (author unknown).